Mental health Archives -

I Am Not Your Victim Anymore

January 20, 2017 by coachshelby 1 Comment

I am a victim of your sexual assault.

I have never uttered those words before. But, you see, I’m tired. Carrying around what should be your guilt for 16 years has exhausted my soul.

You will probably never experience consequences for violating me that night. It was my fault. That’s what you told me. Why would you?

After all, I invited you to that party that night. I drank too much and lost control. I picked out the clothes you held on to when you told me how much I wanted you to touch me. It was my fault I went into that bedroom with you to use the bathroom at the party. It was my fault I was frozen and couldn’t mutter the words get off me when you said, “No one will believe you said no. So might as well do it.”

I stayed silent because I thought I deserved it. I stayed quiet because I thought just because I was able to fight you off and get out of that room before you could get that last article of clothing off me, I wasn’t assaulted. I got drunk, wore too tight of clothes, and I deserved it.

And I’m scared. Scared every time I turn on the news and hear words like ” just locker room talk” or hear sound bytes of powerful men saying things like ” you can do anything you want. And they’ll let you”. It sends me right back to that dark bedroom and all I can feel is a chill running down my spine and your hands on me and I’m that broken, fragile, unworthy girl all over again.

But I have a beautiful girl to raise now. I have this amazing responsibility of teaching her all the beautiful things about herself. I need to teach her she deserves respect. I need her to know her body is her own. I need her to understand that she needs to speak up when bad things happen, even when she’s scared.

So I need to set the example. I will not be scared. I will not accept what happened to me.

You put your hands on me without my consent. That, is the definition of sexual assault.

You stole so much from me. It’s taken me years to understand that I’ll spend my life repairing the harm you did to my self worth in just 30 minutes.

I bet you don’t know that I’ve spent the last 16 years relearning to understand my body is more than the things done to it. I am more than the labels placed upon me that led me to stay silent. You made me feel cheap, disposable, and unworthy. You made me feel that I deserved it.

What you did to me was not okay. I chose to forgive you, for my own inner peace. Although the things you stole from me forced me to become strong and brave, I don’t give you credit for that. I shouldn’t have had to spend my young adult life cleaning up the mess you made of my soul.

But I did.

I am a powerful, brave, ambitious, beautiful, worthy woman. You, nor any person, can take that away from me. I will chose to believe in love and have faith in humanity, despite your hateful disgraceful act against me. I get to chose my place in this world, not you. I will fight fiercely to remind every woman and girl that they are worthy. I will forgive you, because I need to stop being angry. But I will not stay silent.

Xoxo

~~Your victim.~~

A brave, strong, worthy woman.

Originally posted 2017-01-20 08:01:36.

Stop Being a B*tch To Yourself: Why Flaw-Focused Fitness Fails

January 20, 2017 by coachshelby Leave a Comment

It never fails, every time I start talking to women about why they’ve decided to commit to one of my programs, it starts out with a negative:

My stomach is poochy…

My butt is too small…

It’s impossible to lose weight…

I hate X body part…

…always negative. Don’t get me wrong. I know my job as a coach is to help women achieve their fitness goals. But what I’ve discovered is flaw focused fitness NEVER works. It’s essential to incorporate an proactive approach to digging deeper.

You aren’t born hating your body. You are taught how to. Unlearning self-hate is hard. When we start valuing ourselves in the present, our goals become more love driven. The way you think about your body has effect on what your actions and motivations on rooted in.

I want your goals to be rooted in positive self love motivated goals: work out and eat good because you love your body, not hate it.

My whole life I’ve been on the weight gain and loss roller coaster. Dieting for all wrong reasons, spending my life on the treadmill to the point of fatigue, skipping as many meals as I can- and despising my body and myself the entire time. To me, fitness and health was a form of punishment for not being good enough now.

When I struggled to lose even one pound, it became all consuming. When I didn’t lose it in the timeline I had planned ( i.e. drop 3 lbs for next months party, get down a size by summer) I’d say SCREW IT, and go right back to the self-destructive, self-loathing behaviors that got me here in the first place.

No wonder I was miserable and depressed. I hated me, and every action I took to correct myself was based in hate.

Looking back, after a lot of work to refocus on loving my body and actively focusing on treating my body like I love it, I have shifted my entire life. Sure, I still have moments of picking myself apart. I work on letting those go everyday. Self-love isn’t a one stop destination. It’s a continuous life long journey. It took a long time learning to hate my body, it’s not going to be unlearned overnight.

When I shifted away from flaw focused fitness and grounded my habits in health and happiness in the present, I’ve achieved something more than just a smaller jean size or weight. Ive achieved peace.

I know setting fitness and nutrition goals and working hard is important, but it’s not life consuming. It’s important to set goals that aren’t based on a timeline, number or reflection in the mirror. Those changes are a happy side effect of adopting this new mindset.

It’s time to unlearn the self hate and body shaming. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. You’re worth it.

So how do I do that shelby?

Stop being a bitch to yourself.

I mean it. Next time you catch yourself standing in the mirror, pause. That nasty thing youre about your body, call your friend and say it to her.

Oh, you wouldn’t dare tell Karen her stomach is disgusting and her arms are too jiggly? No. You’d be friendless AND a new membership to the mean girl club.

So why do we talk this way to ourselves? Why are we such bitches to our own body?

Instead, set a goal that’s based on making you feel strong and brave? What goals will make you feel GOOD while achieving them?

Set those goals.

You are worthy now! Got it?

Let me repeat that. You are SO worth it.

Those negative thoughts that we kicked out the door, now need to be replaced with positive, motivating ones. Can’t find one?

Start small. What’s one tiny thing you think is bad ass about you? You have an amazing smile. You are incredibly kind. Anything. Come up with a list of them to readily sub in when your mean girl creeps in.

this creates a mind shift into self forgiveness and self- acceptance. All those amazing things you do or say for BFF Karen, do for yourself. Because you love yourself and are worthy. It’s time to start accepting you are and acting like it.

Working hard is important..

Now that we’ve committed to keeping our goals coming from a place of love and worth, you have to commit.

For many, this is the hardest part. In a society focused on convenience and moving fast, we want to believe that there is a simple quick solution.

THERE’S not. I know, ridiculous right? You mean you actually have to work at something and commit to achieving your goals? blasphemy.

But really, you have to be ready. This is why the self love and acceptance is so important. When you understand that health and happiness is a lifelong journey, and not a 21 day quick ‘fix’, you are more prepared. When you accept that your worth isn’t coming from your weight or size, you are more self-forgiving. |When your work is put in because you love yourself, you are unstoppable.|

No one can do this for you. No magic shake or pill with teach you to take care of yourself and make you healthy. Thats on you, boo boo.

Health doesn’t have to feel like torture.

Exercise because you love your body-fitness isn’t punishment. When you first start, it may feel that way. Give it a few weeks. It may take trial and error to find what you enjoy doing.

Eating ‘right’ shouldn’t make you miserable. There is no one size fits all for nutrition. That’s why all these nutrient eliminating or severely restrictive diets are so detrimental. You have to find the balance and plan that works for you and YOUR life. Eating is about fueling your body.

Practice self-forgiveness.every.damn.day.

Relax. I mean it.

Your body and health didn’t get to where they are right now overnight. Unhealthy and unhappy are developed and grow over years of negative habits.

So if it took you your whole life to get to this current state of feeling unhealthy, why do we expect to wake up one day and be perfect and the shining example of health??You’re putting unrealistic and unfair when you expect to change over night.

Change comes from working hard for success, being patient while you learn new positive habits, and forgiving yourself when you are human and struggle.

Set some goals. Love yourself. Be brave and get Strong.

Originally posted 2016-11-05 19:24:51.

Dear Past Self: It Gets Better.And Worse. And it’s all worth it.

January 20, 2017 by coachshelby Leave a Comment

Dear past Shelby,

Girl. I wish I could hug you so tight. I wish I could squeeze all that self doubt you have festering inside you out. I wish you could see all the things I see now looking back, and all the things mom told you all along. Listen to mom. She is always right. Except on the perm thing. That shit is whack.

I hate to tell you this, but you are wrong about everything. But it’s ok, you’re supposed to be.

A few things I want to tell you.

I’m proud of you. You’ll never regret choosing the right thing over the cool thing. Even if you spend your whole senior year at a lunch table alone. Choose the right thing. Again and again. You’re cool. I promise. You just don’t know it yet.

STOP filling your voids with stuff. Boys. Shopping. Drinking. Lots of drinking. Fake friendships. None of it will help. In fact most of it will make it worse.

Be nicer to yourself. Weighing ten pounds less does not make you a better or more interesting person. Weighing ten or twenty pounds more does not make you unloveable. For every day or every moment you criticize yourself, you are cheating yourself out of your fullest joy.

Be thankful for what you have. Dwelling on what you don’t have will only keep bringing you nothing. Gratitude is powerful. It’s changing my life everyday as I write this. It improves your health and relationships. Besides, life is a gift and you should be most thankful for that.

You’re going to have unimaginable losses in the years to come—don’t be afraid to face them head on. (Go to the funeral. You’ll regret it every day if you don’t.) You’re going to walk through a valley of grief but you’re going to come through the other side a stronger, braver woman. You’ll need these experiences to hold up the others when life knocks them down.

Nothing will go as you planned. None of it. Don’t freak out. All the forks in the road and life altering stuff that happens? It makes you one bad ass woman.

You won’t believe this now, but you are not going to be lonely. There are loads of unbelievably wonderful people in your future, and you will be overwhelmed with gratitude for the goodness and love in your life. You’re going to discover some things about yourself that will surprise and delight you, and this world will be a better place for having had you in it. So hang in there, kid. Remember, we’re all just winging it in life, and none of us is here very long. The journey is the reward, and it’s a wonderful journey.

Sincerely,

Your older, wiser, cooler unpermed self.

menow

Originally posted 2016-11-05 12:40:34.

Pancakes and Panic Attacks:Parenting with Anxiety

January 20, 2017 by coachshelby 2 Comments

We woke up today, just like any other day. It’s just you and me and a pancake date planned. After all, we don’t get many days where it’s just you and me. I thought I was ready. I perfectly planned your purple tutu and favorite polka dot bow last night. It was laid out neatly, right next to my list of quick things we needed to grab at the store. It would be a quick stop. After all I was prepared.

We’re shopping away, laughing and giggling as we work as a team to knock things off my perfectly planned list. Toilet Paper-check. Milk-check. Tampons-check. Bathmat-check. Wait. Wait. What size do I need?

And then I feel it coming. It comes like a freight train and I am chained to the tracks, forced to watch the wreckage.

[Tweet “And then I feel it coming. It comes like a freight train and I am chained to the tracks, forced to watch the wreckage.”]

Why didn’t you measure the bathroom Shelby? How could you forget? When will you have time to come back to look for another mat? There’s no time. There’s too much to do. Because Shelby you must always be doing and if you stop doing then something will fall apart. Something always falls apart. Something will go wrong. My God, what if something goes wrong? And people will expect you to have a damn bathmat. Why can’t you do this? Why are you constantly failing? People expect you to have it together.

Now I’m sweating. I feel like I’m being swallowed alive by the shelves of bathmats in all different unfathomable sizes around me. And feel the train run over my chest. I am gasping for air, but my chest feels like it’s been crushed. And I struggle to breathe. I didn’t realize it, but people are looking, waiting to see if I can relax. Because, for fucks sake Shelby, you should be able to relax. Why can’t you relax? Then I try to relax but my heart won’t slow down and I panic all over again because I can’t get the damn bathmats to stop swallowing me alive. Okay think about other things. Oh shit- all those THINGS. Things you need to do. If I don’t do them I will let people down and if I let people down I am failing and Shelby you CANNOT FAIL. I can’t breathe now. I am gasping for breath, sweating and shaking, in the damn bath aisle of Target.

You saw it all. You witnessed mommy break. I promised you princess outfits and pancakes and you got mommy’s panic attack.

Soon, after I regrouped, after the train had backed off my chest and the air was back into the room, I stood up. I took you from the Target employee who had come to help, and held you in my arms. This is my coping skill. In those moments of fear and feeling of doom, I need to know what is real. I need to touch what’s important.

Anxiety is different for everyone. I have learned mine is stress induced. I function just fine and lead a seemingly full, happy life because I know my triggers. Most days, I know I am so much more than my anxiety. I am smart and brave and kind and good. I am not a failure. I am enough. But some days, the doubt and feelings of inadequacy creep in the cracks of my tired, overworked, overstressed self. It gets under my skin and spreads like a rapid virus that may show its ugly head, or may lay dormant until triggered by an outside force.

My outside force is fear of failure. I just don’t want to mess anything up or let anyone down, especially you, my sweet girl. I want you to know your momma is strong and capable and knows what she is doing.

At the end of the day, I just have to remember to be in the moment. Whatever it takes to get me through. In seconds, in minutes, in hours. Just get through. Just get off the floor. Just breathe. Because there will always be things to do and lists to make.

But right now, I owe you pancakes.

Originally posted 2016-07-15 16:52:08.

Stop the Carousel-I Want Off: My story of depression and self-hate

January 20, 2017 by coachshelby 2 Comments

*trigger/emotional warning*

(disclaimer: this post is not meant to put blame for what I went through. It’s meant to share my piece of my story and I own it all. I have an amazing family and wonderful support system.)

I’m going to tell you all something I’ve never told a soul. Why? Because maybe it will help someone. And honestly, I feel strong enough to tell it finally.

I used to hate myself. I hated myself so much I didn’t want to live. So much so my mom had me hospitalized after I refused to eat for 3 days and found me crying on the floor of my bathroom with a kitchen knife after school one day.

Why talk about it now?

Because it’s part of my story. A really dark part. I used to feel ashamed of it. I used to hide it away and try to forget it.

It hurts me looking back knowing now that it wasn’t my fault. Mental illness runs rampant in my family. Not that that is the only reason I was depressed. I wasn’t given the tools I needed to understand or cope with my feelings before it got to this point. I was a ticking time bomb of instability labeled as a “moody teenager who didn’t like being chubby.” I felt completely crazy because “girls with so much opportunity shouldn’t be so angry at the world” but I wasn’t angry at the world. I wasn’t in control of my world. It was spinning and I couldn’t see straight.

[Tweet “I wasn’t angry at the world. I wasn’t in control of my world. It was spinning and I couldn’t see straight.”]

Even after I was hospitalized and sent home 3 days later, it wasn’t spoken of. I felt shame for how I felt. I felt shame for something I couldn’t control.

It took my aunt taking her own life 5 years later for anyone in my family to take mental health seriously.

I no longer feel depressed, yet I am aware of it when it does come. I see a counselor regularly for not only anxiety but just for my own mental health well being. I treat my mental health just like I treat my physical health.

Why am I telling you this?

Because I am not ashamed of it anymore. I have learned that just like your body heals, so does your mind- if you treat it right. Mental illness isn’t something that needs to be hidden in dark corners. It’s present in people you know in your everyday life. People who you look up to. People you wouldn’t imagine. And it’s hard and scary and lonely if you go through it alone.

With PCOS comes an increased occurrence of anxiety and depression. I urge you, if you are struggling-seek help. If you have overcome or are facing mental health issues, share your story. Because it’s not shameful to be going through it. What’s shameful is making people feel like they are less than because of it.

Originally posted 2016-06-12 11:51:11.